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Vitali¬†was born in a women’s prison in Athens. His mother was serving a life sentence for shooting her boyfriend’s roommate. According to court documents, her defense was, “I was aiming at my boyfriend”. His father was a prison guard who would later in life write and illustrate a children’s book about a rooster who enjoyed the attention of many chickens.

He was taken from the prison and sent to live with his maternal grandparents who eked out a meager living selling bathtub thalidomide to circus folk. His early years were uneventful except for being forced to stay up way past his bed time in order to ‘keep an eye out for angry circus folk’.

Desperately unhappy as a teenager, he was sent to a therapist who determined that he was possessed by deeply disturbed spiritual beings that had been imprisoned in a volcano billions of years ago and then blasted with hydrogen bombs by an evil alien warlord.